Monday, 6 April 2015

A Lost Of Hope

Soon, six days to be exact will be our first anniversary as husband and wife. There's nothing else to describe my husband, but he is just truly an amazing partner. No doubt that every marriage has its ups and downs, struggles and of course happy times.

How much of an irony that one year ago feels like yesterday, a lot of memories had been made. We have went through a lot for the past year. But I am glad that my husband is my pillar of strength. He sacrifices a lot for our marriage, and for my happiness.

I am writing this post because I am trying to heal myself. I don't ask for anyone of you to judge me because I am talking openly about this sensitive issue. But I used to express my emotions and feelings via blogging or writing, and it is only to my comfort state that I express my feelings out.

Last November, when my period did not arrive on the date it was suppose to, I was worried. But I waited, not in hopes to be pregnant, but if it was given by Him, I would be over the moon. But one week turn to two, turn to three and then it was two months. There's no one who knows your body better but yourself. Multiply pregnancy test but all was negative. It is either a yes or a no. And if it is a no, definitely there was something wrong with my body, I just knew. My hopes were depleted very fast as days past. But I was a google freak, and I was hopeful.

I went to a GP, and took blood test and doctor told me the results were to low to determine I was pregnant. Devastated, yes because I was like hanging in the middle of nowhere. I was in pain, my tummy was hurting all the while. I was spotting, I was feeling nausea, I was vomiting, but I wasn't pregnant. I do not have an answer to what I was feeling for that 10 weeks. But we were both were still hopeful.

On the 6th January 2015, having a little hope left in me, after around one week I did not go crazy on test stick. I apologise in advance if its too much information, but I remembered vividly what happened that day. I collected my urine in a cup, then took out the test kit and put a few drops as instructed. I went to wash myself and then without any hope left in me, I just want to look at the negative results and throw it in the bin. But there was a very faint line appearing on the test kit. I was in a daze. Deep in me knew that if I was pregnant, this baby couldn't have made it, it have been ten weeks without results. But I hope I was one of God's miracle and maybe there was a healthy baby inside me. Well, I forced myself to believe that.

I told my husband about it, and I remembered him smiling, and touching my tummy. I knew he hope to have one too. Eventhough I have never say this to anyone, but with that one line, it could definitely change everything. I was mentally preparing where and which doctor I want to go if I was pregnant, how to bring up my child, what are they suppose to call us. Yes, I cant help but to dream. It is not wrong to dream right.

But deep in me knew this pregnancy (or whatever) is not right. I cant be that abnormal that test kits cant detect my hcg levels. I went on researched, but never really knew. "Blighted ovum." The gynae or a GP never told me about this term, but I guess its the best describe what I went through.

I went to a gynae few days later, spend more on an ultrasound, and my prediction was right all along. I totally remembered what came out from the gynae word, " You had an early pregnancy fail, and the baby didn't make it." Again, I was in daze, I did not react, I let it absorbed in me. I was prescribed with a medicine to flush out my system to have a normal period again. As soon as I was out from the clinic, the first person I called was my mother. I remembered bursting in tears as soon I heard her voice. I could not stop myself from crying. I was in the bus, and everyone was looking at me, but I did not care at all.
Once my husband was on his lunch break, I burst into tears again. My husband is very 'slenger' I would say, so his first response was," Where is our baby? He pass away you mean?" Hahaha, yes, he is too cute about it. But he assured me things are going to be better, we would take whatever it means to be better and to think of the future. Indeed he does, how slenger he is, he is still an amazing husband to me. Who always put what I need as his priority.
I cried for days, but time had heal my pain, indeed. I believe in my God, Allah, that He is the Almighty. There is no test that we can't go through without his will. And Alhamdulillah, we went through that phase with strength, and indeed it made our marriage stronger.
And after a few weeks of being sad over this matter, Allah gave us another form of rezeki, which the key to our home! SyukurAlhamdulillah for that. We will be moving in to our little love nest in May. And there's so much I am looking forward to!
And also, my husband surprised me with a trip to Nusa Lembongan in four days to come! Yay,told ya my husband is the best in the world. It amazes me that he did allthe research and bookings all by himself. So proud of my own husband.
Thank you for spending your time reading what I have went through. Always, always believe that everything that happened has a silver lining. Do not ever, ever give up hope on anything. Do pray for us for our future!

And to add on, we both have amazing parents and family to stand by us and giving us moral support all the time.

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